I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
