I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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