high people should be assigned attendants
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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