Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
