I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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