I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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