I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
