just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize