that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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