You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
