Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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