I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
