I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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