Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
