Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
