would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you didnt know i had herpes?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
