i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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