meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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