no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
