An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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