watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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