Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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