franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
