well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize