I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize