so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
