Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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