Just cropdusted the office
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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