Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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