I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
