It's like a parade of train wrecks.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
