I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
