Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
