If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
