I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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