It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We smell like vodka and hangover
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