had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
ok first of all what the fuck
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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