Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
