mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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