the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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