a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
