You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize