How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize