You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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