It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
