Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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