I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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