here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
