it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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