i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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