the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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