So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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