Swine flu. Run for my life!
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize