I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize