I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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