yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
