3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
