last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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