just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
